The Truth About Blaine Warbler
by CastleQuill
Summary: People may think that Brittany is stupid, but she understands things that nobody else knows. Which is why she's the only one in the club who sees the truth about Blaine Warbler. Blam.


**This story was prompted on the website Blam Central by the amazing Loki Firefox. The idea was entirely his; I'm just trying to do it justice. (Also, all of you should go read his stories immediately, including ****Brand New Ground****, which he co-writes with TheFauxMe. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's one of my favorite stories of all time.)**

**The prompt contains a major spoiler, so I decided not to include it. If you want to know what it is, you can go to the Blam Central website. It's prompt number 62.**

**Speaking of Blam Central, it has dozens of unclaimed prompts of all genres. If you write Blam, think that you might want to start, or just want to read more Blam fic, then I highly recommend that you check it out. **

**As always, I would like to thank my beta, Tuuzmorado.**

* * *

Lots of people thought that Brittany didn't know things, but that wasn't true. It was the opposite. She saw plenty of stuff that nobody else knew. She'd been one of the only people to know that the world was going to end, which was why she married Sam. (And then the world hadn't actually ended, but they hadn't actually been married, so that was okay.) And there had been other times that nobody had believed her. Like when she told her parents about how the garden gnomes came to life in the middle of the night and stole their vegetables, but they still hadn't done anything to stop them. And she knew that there was a meteor coming to destroy Earth, but everyone just gave her weird looks when she tried to explain.

She got those looks a lot. She didn't really like them. But they'd realize that she was right once Tubbingtonbomb struck. Except that wouldn't work, because the meteor was going to destroy everyone, so she had to make them understand before then, or else they'd never know. But that wasn't what she was so worried about right now.

Brittany noticed things that nobody else saw, which was how she figured out that Blaine Warbler was stealing from her.

It was obvious, when you knew how to look. It started when he took her Student Council President spot away from her. And he took her co-Head Cheerleader place, too, even though he'd just joined the squad a few weeks ago and it had originally belonged to her. Though that could be because Sue was still upset because Brittany wouldn't use the pompoms anymore, since she'd discovered that they were actually the toupees of poor rodeo clowns who couldn't afford anything better, and she thought that using them was just cruel. Or it could have to do with the time that she missed a week of practices because she had to go home right after school to babysit the squirrel who lived behind her house. Or maybe it was because she'd made Sue a crayon drawing to apologize for the missed practices, but Sue hadn't liked the way that she'd drawn it on the walls of her office.

Sue had been very angry about that. Brittany didn't know why. It had been one of her best drawings.

And anyway, maybe other people would think that that was why Blaine had gotten her co-Head Cheerleader position, but she knew better. It was because Blaine had some evil plan to take everything that she cared about. The Head Cheerleader and Class President things were enough evidence, but she had more proof than that.

Like last week, when Blaine had leaned toward her at the end of class and asked, "Hey, do you have a pen? I need to write myself a note, but I lost mine."

She'd given him one of her crayons, since it was the nice thing to do. Blaine had smiled and thanked her and wrote something down in his notebook. Then Sam had run into the classroom saying something about superheros, and Blaine had jumped to his feet and followed Sam immediately.

Still holding her crayon.

She'd confronted him later and made him give it back, but that had settled it. Blaine Warbler was going after everything that she cared about. Not even her favorite crayons were safe. Ever since then, she'd been watching him, waiting to see what his next target was. He hadn't tried to steal anything else yet, but it was only a matter of time.

It wasn't until after they'd serenaded Lord Tubbington that she figured out what Blaine was going after next.

"You know, he's a lot nicer than you made him seem," Blaine said casually, reaching over to pet Lord Tubbington. Brittany was carrying him to the parking lot, where Blaine was going to give the two of them and Sam a ride home. He'd offered, and Brittany only accepted because she wanted to keep an eye on him. That way he wouldn't be able to steal something behind her back. If she kept staring at him, then it'd have to happen in front of her, not behind.

Lord Tubbington hissed at him, and Blaine quickly snatched his hand back.

Sam laughed. "Yeah, don't get too close," he said. "You don't want him to bite you. Trust me on that one."

"I'll be careful," Blaine said, but reached over and started stroking Lord Tubbington again. Brittany wished that he wouldn't.

Lord Tubbington snapped at Blaine's fingers. That was good. After spending so much time with criminals, Lord Tubbington could sense evil. He'd know that Blaine was up to no good.

"Ah!" Blaine yanked his hand away, holding it close to his chest.

"Crap, did he bite you?" Sam got a worried look on his face, and grabbed Blaine's hand so that he could look at it. "Where did he get you? Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah," Blaine said. "It's fine, I don't think he broke the skin."

Sam frowned, and didn't drop Blaine's hand. Instead, he held it closer to his face and examined it. After a minute, he finally smiled. "Yup. Don't see any teeth marks. I think you're good." He lowered Blaine's hand, but still didn't let go. Instead, the two of them intertwined their fingers, moving a step closer to each other as they kept walking hand-in-hand, their arms close enough to brush against each other.

"So, if the world's really going to end, then we should be doing something special, right?" Blaine said. "Got anything planned?"

Sam shrugged. "Nothing much. Probably just hanging out with you. And with Brittany, but I think she's going to be too busy with Lord Tubbington. That means that I guess it's just going to be you and me for the rest of the week, bro."

"That's okay," Blaine said quickly. "You can come hang out with me as much as you want. Whenever you want. I mean, I don't have anything to do, and I always like hanging out with you."

Sam grinned and bumped shoulders with Blaine. "Thanks."

"No problem," Blaine said, giving Sam a giant grin. As they kept walking, his expression changed to a slightly dazed look, his eyes drifting down to stare at Sam's mouth. Which made some sense, because Sam had the most amazing lips ever. They were like mini bouncy castles. Then Blaine shook his head and turned toward Brittany, reaching over to stroke Lord Tubbington again with his free hand. He didn't learn. "He is pretty cute, though. In a way," Blaine said. He found the spot behind Lord Tubbington's ear that he liked to be petted on, and instead of snapping again, Lord Tubbington actually began to purr.

"Woah," Sam said, leaning forward to look at Lord Tubbington, his face close enough to Blaine's head that he'd probably get hair gel on his cheek. "Congrats, dude, that's amazing. I never got him to stop hissing at me."

"Thanks," Blaine said, turning toward Sam and looking way too pleased with himself.

That was when Brittany understood. It wasn't enough for Blaine Warbler to take her positions and her crayons. He was going to take everything from her, starting with the person that she cared about the most. Brittany narrowed her eyes. It was so obvious, now that she knew what to look for. She could see the way that Blaine looked at him, the way he touched him, the way that they were so happy together. Blaine could do it. Blaine could convince him to leave Brittany, and it would be easy.

No. That couldn't happen. Blaine couldn't have him. Brittany loved him too much to let that happen.

Blaine could take her presidency, and her spot on the squad, and her crayons, but he was not going to take Lord Tubbington away from her.

But it was okay. Brittany had a plan.

* * *

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Brittany frowned at the confused look on Sam's face. Her plan made so much sense – why did she keep having to explain it to him? "Lord Tubbington is important to me, and I think Blaine is going to take him. That's why you need to distract him. Then it won't happen."

Sam's frown just deepened. "So, I'm less important to you than your cat?"

That made Brittany frown, too. She hadn't meant it like that. Well, she had, but she hadn't meant it to make Sam that sad. "You don't understand. Lord Tubbington and I have been through a lot together. He was there for me when Artie called me stupid, and he gave me advice about what to do when I was trying to decide whether to join the Troubletones, and he comforted me when I was missing Santana. If it wasn't for him, I never would have started Fondue For Two. I can't lose him. I just can't."

"So you'd rather lose me," Sam said.

That wasn't right, either. Brittany tried to think of something to make him feel better. "Blaine's in love with you," she tried. "And you care about him, too, so you should be happy together."

Sam blinked, and the confused look came back. "Wait, Blaine isn't in love with me."

"Yes, he is," Brittany said simply.

Sam shook his head. "No. He's got a crush on me, but that's it. He's not in love with me. He's going to get back together with Kurt."

Brittany shook her head. Sometimes, Sam didn't make much sense. "Santana told me that Kurt found a new British boyfriend. And I told Blaine about it but he didn't seem upset because he doesn't love Kurt anymore. And then he sang you that song last week."

"The Phil Collins one, yeah," Sam said, sounding slightly dazed, like he was zoning out on her.

Brittany nodded. "That wasn't a crush song. That was a love song." She knew the difference. She paid attention. Really, it was easy to tell who was in love and who wasn't if you just watched. Which was how she knew that Sam wasn't really in love with her, even if he was trying to be. But that was okay, because she knew that Santana still did love her, even if they weren't together right now. "You two will be good together."

Sam's eyes snapped back into focus, locking on her face. "Wait, you think that I should leave you for a guy?"

"Not just any guy. For Blaine." That was important. It would be pointless for Sam to distract any guy besides Blaine. Blaine was the only one who wanted to steal Lord Tubbington. Everyone else was safe. "If it helps, I heard Kurt say that Blaine is a really good kisser. And you're a really good kisser, too, so you'll like kissing him." And kissing was the best way to distract people, because it made their heads go fuzzy and they didn't think about anything but the person they were kissing.

"I don't want to kiss Blaine!" Sam said quickly. "You're my girlfriend! Why would I want to kiss someone else?"

"You don't?" That was going to be a problem. There were other ways of distracting people, but they wouldn't work as well. "Are you sure? I thought you were a half-dolphin like me." She'd been so sure of that. She didn't like being wrong.

Sam's eyebrows scrunched together. "How did you know that?" he asked. "I mean, I am, I'm bi. But I've never told anyone that."

She squealed and clapped her hands. "So I was right!" That made her happy. "Now you can go kiss Blaine and keep him away from Lord Tubbington! Thank you so much, Sam."

"Wait, wait!" Sam said, holding up his hands to stop her. "I haven't said that I would do it. And I'm not going to kiss Blaine just to make you happy. It'd be really uncool to do that to him."

That was what worried him? "No," Brittany said slowly, looking him in the eyes. Really, he should know this on his own, but she could tell him if he needed to hear it out loud. "You're going to kiss him because you like Blaine back. I wasn't going to say anything until you figured it out on your own, but now that he's going after Lord Tubbington, there isn't any more time."

His mouth was practically hanging open. Brittany smiled and gave him a quick hug. "You were a great boyfriend, but you can't replace Lord Tubbington. But Blaine likes you more than he likes anyone else, so you two will be good together." Then she left. Sam just stood there, looking completely shocked, while she walked away.

The next day, Sam and Blaine walked into Glee holding hands, which wasn't that weird. But they were also talking in low voices, their heads bent toward each other, and they both had gigantic smiles on their faces. Brittany couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Blaine looking that happy. Or Sam, either. And when they thought that nobody was looking, Blaine gave Sam a kiss on the cheek, and Sam made a cheesy, lovestruck face.

Nobody else in Glee could see it yet. It was too similar to the way that they always acted. But Brittany knew things, just like she knew that Mr. Schue had little elves living in his hair that feasted on bad singing (Sue had told her that, once), and that George Washington had invented the washing machine (it was obvious – just look at his name!)

She leaned back in her chair, satisfied. Blaine would be so happy to finally be dating Sam that he would forget all about Lord Tubbington. And Sam was a good guy – he could use his magic powers of happiness to purge the evil from Blaine, just like he'd used his powers to make Blaine stop being sad after the breakup with Kurt. And once the evil was gone from Blaine, then he wouldn't be interested in stealing from Brittany anymore, and Lord Tubbington would be safe forever.

And Sam and Blaine were happy, so that was a good thing.

Brittany could understand why nobody but Santana really thought that she was smart. It was because everyone else didn't pay attention. They didn't realize that there had been a giant crisis that she had just managed to avoid. But that was okay. They didn't have to see it. Brittany knew that it had happened, and she could go home and tell Santana about it over Skype, and that was enough.

She turned her head, watching Sam sling his arm around the back of Blaine's chair, and she smiled.


End file.
